Ladies, Meet Your Clitoris!

If you’ve never introduced yourself to your clitoris, now is the time. 

If you are comrades for life, you still might appreciate some of the nuggets below. 

Learning about your body is a responsibility you owe to yourself, whether you are in a committed relationship, flying solo, or somewhere in between. 

So let’s dive right in ;) 

The clitoris’s only job is sensation (unlike the penis, which also lists penetration, ejaculation, and urination on its resume), which means we, as women, were designed for PLEASURE!  There are two external parts of the clitoris that you can see (the glans and the hood) and three internal parts that are not visible (the body, the crura, and the vestibular bulbs).  Much like an iceberg, most of the clitoris can be found beneath the surface!

The glans of the clitoris is a pea-sized nub located at the top of your vulva, above the vaginal and urethral opening, and below the mons pubis, which is the fleshy part of the pelvis lying over the pubic bones where you would find pubic hair if you have it. 

While it is the most innervated and sensitive part of the clitoris, it does not have erectile tissue and thus cannot swell or grow like the rest of the clitoris.  The clitoral hood is a flap of skin that surrounds and protects the glans of your clitoris and can vary in size and shape from barely covering your clitoris to completely covering it.  Check out this link for pictures of variations so you can see there really is no “normal.” 

The body of the clitoris slants upwards and attaches to your pubic bone via ligaments before splitting in half to form the crura (or legs) and the vestibular bulbs, which straddle the urethra and vagina and contain erectile tissue that swells with blood during female arousal.

In her book, Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., points out that clitoral stimulation is the most reliable way to elicit an orgasm.  But intercourse is not a very effective way to stimulate the clitoris.  In fact, less than a third of women are reliably orgasmic with vaginal penetration alone, and even 80-90% of women who masturbate typically do so with little or no vaginal penetration (even when using vibrators).

So what’s a girl to do?  Here are some practical tips to help you get started:

Experiment to learn the art of self-pleasure. 

If you’re unsure where to start, check out the online program OMG Yes, where you can explore the latest science about how women find and enhance pleasure through 62 short and 11 touchable videos.  For example, learn the practice of edging: gently approaching full orgasm but backing off in order to create a bigger orgasm.  Orbiting is the term for the many different ways of circling the clitoris. Flexing is activating the body’s muscles to heighten pleasure.  Before advocating for better pleasure with a partner, we must first learn how we like to be touched and what feels good.

Explore the art of mindfulness.

Sex is not a spectator sport, and when we are self-conscious about the faces we make or the sounds that escape from our mouths mid-O, it can be a boner-killer for us. In her book, Better Sex Through Mindfulness, Dr. Lori Brotto says, “Our attention wanders like a puppy.” And according to Dr. Nagoski, “Many of us have spent years training that puppy to wander in any direction except toward our internal sensations, especially our sexual sensations. As a result of negative sexual experiences and cultural messages, our attention has been trained to watch out for problems-to criticize our bodies, to monitor our responses during sex, and to worry about whether we’re ‘doing it right’ or even whether we should be doing it at all.  Almost from birth, many of us have been taught to ignore or criticize or mistrust our sexual bodies. Mindfulness isn’t about imposing stern discipline on the puppy; it’s about attending to her patiently and nonjudgment as you ask her to notice your internal sensations.”

Try this activity...

Close your eyes or even blindfold yourself.  Eliminating one sense often heightens the others.  Have your partner touch your body (or touch your own body), starting with non-sexual areas like the inside of the arms or the back of the calf in a non-goal-oriented way.  The person giving the touch should act as if they were exploring your body for the very first time.  As the receiver of the touch, you should allow your skin to come alive under your partner’s fingertips.  Experiment with different materials like a feather or piece of silk.  Venture into more intimate areas, including the labia and clitoris, when you’re readily bringing the same quality of mindfulness to the experience.

Learn to strengthen (and/or relax) the pelvic floor muscles. 

These are the muscles that spread you’re your pubic bone to your tailbone and in between your sitting bones.  Think of it like a diamond-shaped area of great value.  During the pre-orgasm part of sex, these muscles contract in unison.  The orgasm occurs as these muscles all relax and release their tension.  Some researchers have also found that a strong pelvic floor can help “pump” blood to the clitoris, which may produce a more intense orgasm. 

Remember that to have a fully functioning pelvic floor, you need muscles that know how to fully contract AND fully relax.  There’s a common misconception that all women should be doing Kegels. 

False. 

Many women hold stress in this area, making the muscles too tense.  They need first to learn how to relax this area so the muscles can fully lengthen, AND THEN they can work on strengthening. 

How do you know if you’re one of them?  It’s best to schedule an appointment with a Women’s Health Physical Therapist who can fully evaluate your ability to contract, relax, and sustain a contraction.  Women’s Health PTs can also address issues like urinary incontinence, pelvic organ prolapse, and pain with sex which are all things that might act as roadblocks to you reaching the climax you deserve.  

Try a toy either solo or with a partner. 

There are so many sites selling sex toys these days, but make sure you are using one you can trust, and if you are going to be using it vaginally, make sure it’s made of materials that are vagina-friendly.  Remember, most women who masturbate do so with external stimulation, but some prefer internal stimulation.  There are vibrators, clitoris suctioning devices, and the new “rose” device that is a little bit of both!

During sex, try positions that stimulate the clitoris:

• The “riding high” position:  You lie on your back while your partner positions themselves higher up on your body so that their body is angled in such a way that it slides your clitoral hood up and down with each thrust to stimulate your clitoris.
• Cowgirl: Straddle your partner and try sliding back and forth on them (versus up and down) by altering speeds and angles to allow the clitoral hood to slide back and forth and stimulate your clitoris.

I encourage you to become your own best lover!

Sex lights up the same reward pathways in our brain that are activated during drug use, alcohol consumption, and gambling but has way fewer side effects (as long as you’re practicing safer sex)!

An orgasm is a gift that does not always require a partner but usually requires a bit of practice.  So stop scrolling and get rolling!