Hello up there from down here. I was hoping we might have a few words. You don’t look at me as much as I would like and I feel I have been mis-treated. In case you haven’t noticed, I am beautiful. And unique. See, no two vulvas are exactly alike; we’re like fingerprints and we’re very proud of our individuality. We don’t like it when you compare us to other vulvas. Some vulvas have outer lips that completely enclose their contents; other vulvas have outer lips that are parted; some inner lips stay contained within the confines of the outer lips while others are frillier and extend lower. Some have more hair, some less, some are darker in pigmentation, others less but we are all normal and we are all beautiful.
We are supposed to smell like, well, a vulva. We don’t want to smell like strawberry, pineapple, cucumber melon, or lavender vanilla. When you force soaps, and perfumes, and douches inside our borders, you upset the delicate ecology we work so hard to maintain every day. Plus it often leaves us feeling itchy and irritated.
We crave the comfort of soft, white, 100% cotton fibers next to us, not those synthetic, dyed fabrics of the “fancy” undies. And while we’re on the topic, we’re not a fan of thongs. They are basically a walking tightrope allowing our unfriendly neighbors (bacteria from the rectum) to tiptoe their way down towards our neck of the woods.
When you get your period, we love unscented, unchlorinated pads and tampons. We hear through the grapevine that some women even treat their vulvas to cloth pads and menstrual cups for added comfort and less risk of developing contact dermatitis or even toxic shock syndrome.
And last but not least, just a reminder that there are important muscles that interdigitate and Figure 8 around our contents. Muscles need to be exercised (that means contracted and relaxed) in order to stay in good working order and do their job to control our sphincters, support the organs that live above us, and make sex more enjoyable. Please find it in your heart to make more time for these important muscles.
We used to be best friends but I feel like you’ve lost that loving feeling. I’m doing my best to make sure you urinate, birth a baby if needed, and enjoy sex but I feel it’s time for a raise!