The Gift of Providing Emotional and Mental Support
Owning our Truth in a Culture of Niceties
People react in so many different ways when they find out that your family is expanding. Most of these conversations start with “Congratulations,” but for many parents-to-be, it’s not as straightforward as people assume.
We live in a culture that tends to tell us how we “should” feel instead of holding space for how we actually feel.
There may be a part of us that is in shock, a part that is excited, a part that is worried, or a part that is confused, even at our own reaction to the news. It’s rare to have only one feeling in response to the things we experience.
When we have difficulty understanding the variety of feelings we’re going through, we tend to distill them into incomplete fragments of experiences. I have seen this time and time again in my clients who work to identify and tell the truth about what they are feeling. They share with me that they wish someone would have told them that it is normal to feel so very much.
For people craving this kind of authenticity, it can be difficult to find a balance between courageously seeking out other truth tellers and wanting to run away and hide when their vulnerability isn’t met with understanding by the people they’ve opened up to.
I’ve had the privilege of working in various settings that utilize the power that comes when personal stories are shared within groups, and have found it to be validating for many of my clients. When thinking about joining a group, many people will tell me that groups are not for them, or they wonder how hearing other stressed and anxious people’s’ stories could possibly help them to feel better. These statements are usually fueled by experiences that have been less than “therapeutic.” I find that support groups or group therapy in pregnancy and postpartum can be a source of validation and provide an empowering place to process experiences and discover that you are not alone in the way you’re feeling.
For many people the idea of letting strangers into the details of one of the most intimate times of their lives can be daunting and even overwhelming, but it can provide the space you might need to practice letting your voice be heard. Not everyone has family or friends who are able to sit with them in their most difficult moments. Sharing your story with someone who is uncomfortable with emotions or is plagued by their own need for approval can leave you feeling hurt.
Toxic Positivity
Many times you’ll be swamped with messages steeped in toxic positivity, which can sound like:
● At least the baby is healthy.
● Well, that’s the cost of motherhood.
● Others have it worse than I do, so I have no reason to complain.
● I felt that way too, but I just pulled myself together and had to make it happen.
Messages of toxic positivity are tricky because they are rooted in truth. Who isn’t thankful for a healthy mom and baby? Who doesn’t know on some level that parenthood really does bring necessary priority shifts and sacrifices? And there will always be someone with a worse birth story, experience, or trauma. But the problem with these little platitudes is that they minimize the experience and perspective of the person who just shared something vulnerable and leaves them with an expectation that they just need to “keep calm and carry on.” Most people don’t realize that those phrases come across as a rejection of a person’s experience, or that their rhetoric is peppered with phrases that roll off the tongue and reveal the expectations of a society that benefits from the emotional and physical labor of female presenting people.
Having the ability to identify and feel our emotions is important, not only for ourselves, but for the people we care about. The more we can connect with our emotions, the more we’re able to sit with others as they experience their emotions (which is a beneficial skill to develop as a parent!).
Fostering Emotional Awareness
Here are some ideas and practices to help foster growth in our emotional awareness:
● Identify and name emotions. Using an app such as How We Feel can be helpful https://howwefeel.org/
● Practice sitting with your emotions without judging them
● Write about your feelings in a journal
● Create art to express your feelings. This can be in the form of music, poetry, movement, photography, painting…any form of expression that is meaningful to you
● Become aware of how toxic positivity has impacted you when you’ve been on the receiving end, and consider steps you can take to steer clear of it when someone shares something vulnerable with you
Find Support Groups
Here are some resources for finding support groups:
Postpartum Support International: https://www.postpartum.net
Postpartum Support International PSI Get Help: https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/
Postpartum Support International PSI Online Support Meetings: https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/
Suzie Hester, NCC, LCPC, PMH-C (she/her)
Suzie is a counselor at Sarah Cline and Associates, who specializes in Perinatal Mental Health issues including mood and anxiety disorders, infertility, pregnancy loss, body image struggles, and couples therapy. She also enjoys working with neurodivergent individuals who are navigating parenting challenges. Suzie strives to practice through an anti-racist lens and from a Health at Every Size perspective. She enjoys working with the LGBTQ2IA population. Suzie has trained in Gottman Level 1 and is an Internal Family Systems-informed therapist. She is a mother of two tweens who started her passion for supporting the perinatal mental health of families.
To contact Suzie: Sarah Cline and Associates, 331-716-2449, 2100 Manchester Road Suite 504 Wheaton, IL 60187
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.sarahclinelcsw.com
