The Gift of Transformation

12 days of birth birth planning doula health and wellness labor & delivery labor and delivery postnatal postnatal care postpartum postpartum care pregnancy Dec 12, 2023

Be transformed instead of traumatized by birth

The first time I witnessed a baby being born was in a small rural clinic in Kenya. I was 13 years old, spending the day with my dad while he provided medical services when a local woman walked in looking tired and very pregnant.

Beads of sweat on her forehead were the only visible signs of her discomfort, and soon she delivered a healthy baby into her own hands.

Thirteen years later in the USA, preparing for the birth of my own first child, I expected a smooth and straightforward experience like the birth I saw in Africa. But things turned out very differently for me.

I arrived at the hospital too early, walked countless laps around the nurses’ station, agreed to Pitocin and an epidural when I was no longer coping well, pushed on my back for hours, and eventually delivered when an abrupt OB I’d never met rushed into the room to perform an episiotomy (“everyone gets them” he said) and vacuum extraction.

Physical recovery was challenging, but my husband and I were especially stunned by the mental and emotional repercussions of the difficult birth. Our deep devotion to our newborn son gave us a reason to keep moving forward each day, but at a time we had hoped to feel strong & connected as new parents, we felt weak and disappointed.

I had three more babies after that, and with each birth I learned how to better advocate for myself and navigate the complex medical system.

Each experience got better as I gathered the courage to speak up for myself instead of going with the flow. And along the way I developed a passion for helping other families have their own positive and transformative births. I quit my editing work to train as a childbirth educator in 2002 and then as a certified birth doula in 2008 (ICEA.org).

Supporting birthing families has stretched me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I’ve grown comfortable with the unpredictable, fascinated with the marvels of human physiology, and over-the-moon inspired by women who find new strength in their most painful moments.

I’ve attended hundreds of births now in a variety of settings, and learned about what factors help families be transformed rather than traumatized by their birth. A positive birth doesn’t mean that things unfold in exactly the ways you wish, but rather that you are a full participant in the decisions along the way. Investing in your preparation will reap benefits that last a lifetime.

My top 5 tips for positive birth preparation:

1. Choose your team

Medical provider

Your medical provider and birth location will have a profound impact on your options during birth. But the provider who your friends loved might not be the right fit for you.

It’s super important to find a doctor or midwife who shares your philosophy of birth and also 100% supports your right to make decisions about your own health and your baby’s as well.

If your blood pressure is reading higher at your doctor visits, or if you are leaving your appointments feeling upset or stressed instead of encouraged and excited, it may be an indication you need to think about switching practices. It’s never too late!

Birth partner

Whether your primary birth support person is your husband, partner, or other loved one, they should prepare for their role as well. Women in labor are emotionally vulnerable and highly affected by words and actions in the birth room, even if they can’t react to them in the moment.

You should never feel pressured to have extra family members in the room unless they add to your sense of safety, security, and freedom to be who you are.

Professional support

Our culture and health care system in the US tends to focus less on prevention and more on treating acute symptoms.

I highly recommend that before birth, you make contact with professionals who can surround you with support that will help prevent problems before they start.

First, a birth doula because their entire job is to help you have a positive experience. Doulas are tightly networked with resources and community referrals, and can also serve as a coordinator for your support team. I also recommend finding professionals who specialize in the following: lactation (IBCLC), body wellness (pelvic floor PT, massage therapist, chiropractor, yoga or exercise instructor), and mental health (counselor, support group leader).

2. Inform your mind

Understanding the physiology of birth and knowing what to expect in the process will provide the foundation of a positive experience. Some families have told me they prefer to go into the birth experience without expectations or plans because they’ll be less likely to be disappointed with the outcome. This go-with-the-flow approach rarely works well.

Of course birth is unpredictable and seldom goes to plan, but knowledge is power and learning is how you empower yourself.

When interventions are introduced, it’s vital that you already understand the risks and benefits involved so you can make an informed decision. This is why I highly recommend a comprehensive childbirth education class for all pregnant moms and their partners. An out-of-hospital, in-person class is the ideal option, especially if it focuses on birth physiology, decision making, and coping skills. If an in-person class doesn’t fit your schedule, there are lots of nice online options available now as well. Unsure where to even start looking for a great class in your area? Ask your doula!

3. Prepare your body

Giving birth without preparing your body is like deciding to run an endurance race tomorrow without any training! I speak from experience, as I once signed up for a Spartan Race (basically a 5K with obstacles) and never found the time to practice or work out. I crossed the finish line, but undoubtedly the race and the recovery would have been faster, less painful, and more satisfying if I had properly prepared. Training your body for birth doesn’t have to be strenuous. In fact, it’s a good time to dial back from hard-core exercise and focus more on breath work, balance, flexibility, and walking. It may seem super basic to say that breath matters, but learning how to engage in deep, slow, rhythmic breathing has numerous health benefits that will serve you well in birth and in life. For instance, box breathing, used by the Navy Seals, has been proven to reduce stress, manage anxiety, improve focus, lower heart rate and blood pressure, enhance relaxation, and promote emotional wellbeing.

Beyond breath work, find the method that works for you to keep your body strong and balanced, and your baby in optimal position.

Your doula will have suggestions for helpful physical exercises and practices as well.

4. Open your spirit

The role of your spirit in the birth experience is often forgotten but perhaps has the most far-reaching consequences. This means that how you feel about what’s happening is just as important as what is actually taking place. It’s damaging to push your feelings aside and reduce birth to a mechanical event you have to survive. Tuning in to your emotions about birth and parenting can be scary. What does it look like to open your spirit to birth?

Start by listening to the intuitive voice deep inside you about what is right for you and your baby.

Trust your own voice and speak it out loud. Engage in guided meditations to connect with your baby. Celebrate the sacred moments. For me, this also meant journaling, praying, thanking God for the good things in my life, and asking for his help with the hard things. Though these activities are not as tangible and measurable as the informational and physical parts of birth, this is where real transformation happens. Opening your soul will require safety and trust with the people around you, which is why choosing your team is #1 on the list.

5. Plan for postpartum

Birth may be the end of pregnancy, but it’s also the beginning of a new phase of life as a parent. To have a positive experience, you must plan for your recovery and adjustments to caring for a newborn. Our independent and isolated lifestyles have separated us from the support that comes along with community living. My mother and my mother-in-law both came for a week or more to help me after each of my babies was born. They made food, washed dishes, did laundry, changed diapers, held the baby, spoke encouraging words. And each time they left I didn’t know how I’d survive without them. My church community also showed up with meals. I’ll never forget how meaningful all of that was and how it helped me manage the bleary weeks and months after birth. But if I could change anything, I’d be kinder to myself. I encourage all new parents to disconnect from social media or anything that sets an unrealistic standard for what your body or your life should look like after a new baby. After any kind of birth – medicated or unmedicated, vaginal or cesarean, traumatic or positive – you should take it slow and say no to anything that doesn’t help you thrive.

Your job is to honor your changing body and emotions, and to bond with your baby. And that’s it.

Say yes to all offers of help, and ask for more when you need it. A healthy postpartum is full closure to a positive birth, and you deserve it.

It’s crazy that around 385,000 babies are born every single day around the world, yet the idea of birth can seem so wild and overwhelming to the one preparing for it in their own life. The more disconnected we are from this natural life event, the more complicated it seems.

So this is your invitation to connect, to trust, to gain confidence, to dive in deep and get excited about the way you can be transformed by birth however it happens.

A few books I recommend:

The Positive Birth Book by Milli Hill

Birthing from Within by Pam England & Rob Horowitz

Real Food for Pregnancy by Lily Nichols

The Fourth Trimester by Kimberly Ann Johnson

The First 40 Days by Heng Ou

Tara has a Bachelor of Arts in Communications from Wheaton College, and worked for over 15 years in public relations and freelance editing. After the births of her own 4 children, she became passionate about improving the ways families transition into parenthood. She became certified as a birth doula and now works as an educator and guide for new parents through pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period. Tara is certified as a Bringing Baby Home educator by the Gottman Institute and has extra training in breastfeeding, bereavement, and birth comfort measures. She and her husband of 30+ years now work together to provide extra services, support, and training for families locally and internationally.